Shhh…. I have a secret

December 2011

Baby steps are often backwards…

Ok, so I stated I was moving on. Well, moving on doesn’t always mean going forward. Especially in my case, it often seems to mean going backwards. Or sideways. Anyways…

I am thinking about Curt, again today. Or possibly I should say still thinking about. See, I thought he was dead. Turns out that was wishful thinking. I know, right?

I have recently discovered that he is still very much alive AND LIVING IN THE AREA. My first reaction was stunned disbelief. My second reaction was fear. Complete and utter fear. Not just for myself, but for my daughter that looks so much like I did… Plus, as I have discovered looking at pictures, he bears a striking (no pun intended) resemblance to my second husband (who I have not yet covered).

The effect of this news has been that I have started seeing the black shadows flickering at the corner of my peripheral vision again. This has done nothing good for my emotional state. A terrified me is not one that kids nor spouse want to be around. I have started to come to grips with it, though. I realize now that he has been back in the area off and on for the last few years. I, however, have not seen him or run into him. (Obviously, since I thought he was dead).

This is a small rural area though and it is bound to happen eventually. At least I think so.

I have thought about the meeting and wondered how it would play out. So far I think I am leaning toward complete and utter denial of his existence. Kind of like, if you acknowledge the possibility of something being real, it becomes real? Like only if you believe in ghosts will they appear to you.

Unfortunately I believe in serial killers, psychotics and sociopaths. My training taught me how to uncover and how to identify them.

I believe in ghosts, too, but that would be a completely separate post.

Another thing that Curt and Husband number two have in common. Both are sociopaths.

And if you think it isn’t difficult to admit that you married or were heavily involved with a sociopath, you haven’t actually been. It is a very difficult thing to admit that it is possible that you had an absolutely skewed vision of who a person really is. Seriously, who wants to believe that they can’t be a good judge of character all of the time? It calls many other firmly (fondly) held personal beliefs into question.

I also believe that people rarely if ever actually change. Both Curt and Eric (Husband two) are sociopaths. Predators. And in my case, Exes.

Why do I bring this up now? Well, while Eric is safely incarcerated, Curt is out and about. The only comfort that I have is that he is (sort of) a public figure and may be in the spotlight enough that he can’t be ruining anyone elses life. I haven’t seen any sign that he has a girlfriend/wife or kids. Just an obsession with drums. Still.

Go figure. Something he can legally beat in front of other people. Anyone else see the symbolism?