Shhh…. I have a secret

Archive for October, 2011

What do you do when….

What do you do when you start dreaming about having sex with your ex? What if the dream doesn’t focus on one ex, but moves through all of them? What if you then wake up so turned on and aroused that you really feel the need to wake up your husband? Do you do it? Is it fair to ‘use’ him to satisfy a lingering need?

Yes, I realize that most men don’t need an excuse to have sex, to them it is a lot like breathing, in and out… Well, you know what I mean.

But seriously, do you tell him what brought this on, or do you just act?

And why exactly am I dreaming about my ex’s anyway? The majority of them I wouldn’t give the time of day to now, and would have to resist the urge to throw them in front of a steam roller, but there is one or two that, if given the chance, I would definitely have sex with again. Odd really. One was my first and the other my second. I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

My first was all about early experimentation. There was so much we were afraid to do, so much I was afraid to do.

My second, he taught me so much about what guys like/want. He also took the time to teach me about what I might like or not like. One would think that sex in a car couldn’t be all that satisfying, but it was. Back then, I didn’t have knee problems and was, ahem, lighter. He had a 1960 something Plymouth with a nice roomy backseat… And a Subaru Brat with a clean bed on it. Not to mention that eventually we moved in together for a couple of months.

Sigh. Even now when I know more than I did then…. Wow, he was… ummm…. Satisfying.

I suppose that it could be that my memory along with my limited experience at the time is causing me to remember things they way they weren’t really, but it’s my memories and I do treasure them.

I looked him up before I became involved with my current husband. Sent him a ‘thank you’ note for all that he had taught me. Oh, not just about the sex, but he taught me about love, about the rights and wrongs in love.

He hurt me deep when I discovered he was cheating on me whenever one of us traveled, me for school contests and him scouting for a new location for his cousins restaurant chain. Do you know how hard it is to be told by your mother that she saw him practically having sex on the hood of a car in front of our ‘hangout’ just hours after I left? How about then having his mother tell me that she knows that he did something, but not what, because he has been hiding out in his room for the last three days? Oh, faced with everything, he owned up to it immediately. I was understandably angry. But I was also young and stupid. And I loved him. Of course I forgave him.

That was the first time. There was another one when I was in the hospital. Then the one where he left and I didn’t tell anyone where he went or why and everyone assumed we broke up. So many of our mutual friends came to me and told me stories… I felt so stupid. Embarrassed. Gave him back my engagement ring.

Learned about a month and a half later that he was going to marry a girl named ‘Angel’ that he knew from the place he had gone right before we split. Seems she was pregnant and her parents had kicked her out. He swore the baby wasn’t his, but since they were ‘good friends’ he felt he had to help her.

Ahem. “Good friends” my ass!

I know now, many years later, that the child wasn’t his and she made sure that he knew it and that the child knew it when they divorced. I suppose it is to be expected when cheaters cheat with other cheaters…

However, somehow, this managed to be the story of my life…

Love someone whole heartedly, and they will cheat on you with whatever moves.

*Note: We did actually reconnect. It was lovely to talk to him. However, there was to much water under the bridge, and there really is no going back. Do I regret that we didn’t try again? That maybe the timing would work out this time?

Nah. I had evolved. He had as well, but we just grew in different directions. And there was still the fact that he was a cheater.