Shhh…. I have a secret

Don’t judge unless you’ve been there

Warning: As I have stated this is my way of working out my feelings about past issues. It is my therapy per say, and therefore anything said in here is honest and I don’t give a rats patutie if you agree with my assessment of the situation or not. I lived through this. This is my story.

SO THERE! Even, also ,too.

I made a lot of excuses for the first time- He was tired. He was stressed out about money. I shouldn’t have said… whatever it was I said that mad him so mad. I shouldn’t be so stubborn. It was my fault, not his. Besides he apologized and promised that it would never happen again, didn’t he?

Famous last words.

It did happen again. Only each time was worse than the one before. I had bruises on every part of my body at one time or another. I used the make up training that I had doing theater. I wore long sleeves and sweats when it was 100*+ . I learn to patch holes in plaster walls and to duck flying plates, bowls, corning wear… LEarned that things that say they are unbreakable, don’t break= they shatter.

I learned that at times keeping quiet made him calm down, and at others, being quiet made him madder. I discovered that when he was in a real rage, debasing my self sexually would calm the rage. A ‘blow job’ that ended in orgasm would stop the hitting and the kicking. I understood that anything he wanted to so to me sexually, no matter how much it might hurt me, was usually less painful and more importantly left fewer physical traces for people to see. He was sadistic when he was angry.

During one of these ’bouts’ he coerced me to agree to do anything that he wanted, with no specifics given. I remember that at this point, my ribs hurt and I just wanted it to stop, so of course I agreed. Later after a shower, he announced we were going to see a friend that had just moved into a new apartment. He told me what to wear and I got dressed.

When we got to his friend’s apartment, and Tony opened the door, Curt announced that he had brought Tony a house-warming gift. Curt gave him a bottle of wine. Tony opened it up and offered us each a glass. When he thanked Curt for it, Curt stated, “Oh that wasn’t your gift. She is. She wants us to have a threesome”

This was news to me. I must have looked as shocked as I felt, since Tony said something to the effect of “Are you sure?”

Curt grabbed my arm (where Tony couldn’t see it and clamped down hard) and said “Tell him you want to, that it was your idea that we talked about earlier”. I know I was trying really hard not to panic at this point.

Tony, being a better person than Curt, told him that he didn’t think it was a good idea, he didn’t want it to effect their friendship and he was afraid it might.

Curt tried to convince him otherwise. Luckily, he failed.

We stayed for a few more awkward minutes and then left, taking the stairs down to the first floor. Cement stairs tipped with metal. Curt was yelling at me for embarrassing him in front of his friend and he shoved me hard. I fell down the stairs and bruised my back in several places and hurt my left kidney. The pain was incredible. It was only the start.

The next day, I needed to do laundry (and I was peeing blood) so I went to my moms. Once I started the wash, I went to see my doctor. He took x-rays and did an ultrasound. He also took pictures of all of the bruises. I don’t think he believed me when I told him I slipped and fell. Especially since there was evidence of older bruises. However, I was a legal adult and he couldn’t do anything if I was unwilling to.

I wanted to. I wish he had pushed a little more. Or even called my parents (friend of the family, privacy act not really in place yet). Maybe I would have had the courage to leave if he had. But he didn’t and I didn’t. I just did the wash and went home, back to the abuse, like a good girl.

After all, it was my fault, right? I made my bed, now I should have to sleep in it.