Shhh…. I have a secret

Ok, folks, story time.

So, to be perfectly honest….

After we had been separated for a few months, well in all but name for 7, and I found out that he had taken ‘her and her kids’ 2000 miles home to meet the family, I got mad. I decided I wanted to have some fun, too.

I already stated that my sister was with us as a nanny for the kids so I could work. She encouraged me to go out and find some ‘stress relief’. I had decided I wasn’t going to before finding out he had gone home.

So, I decided to give it a go. Why not? It didn’t have to go anywhere. Dinner, maybe a movie. At least conversation with another adult that didn’t revolve around my kids or my job.

The late 90’s already had dating sites. Not as sophisticated as todays, but they weren’t that bad.

The first guy I met was nice, we went to dinner, but he said that I wasn’t what he was looking for. He was an up-and-coming radio announcer and needed basically arm candy. That wasn’t me.

Ouch. At least he was nice about it. Plus, we really didn’t vibe anyway.

Then I met Dan. He went too fast for me. He had a kid close to my daughter’s age and was looking for a new mom for her. We could get married; I would raise his daughter, but we each had to work. Okay, I’m good with that. We each kept our own accounts and split the bills half and half. Well, a little more than half on my side since I had 2 kids to his one. We would never mingle accounts, nor would I ever have my name on any titles.

Ok. So I would be a nanny that he would have sex with, and I would pay for the privilege?

Yeah, that was a hard ‘no’.

Then I met Steve. He was a nice guy and had 2 kids, a boy and a girl about the same age as my kids. We took the kids with on a few dates. I babysat for him one day when he had to do something, I don’t even remember what.

I was talking to his daughter. She told me that she liked me, but I wasn’t as pretty as his other girlfriend.

Ummm…. What?

Yeah, it seems Steve was dating other women, something that he left out of our conversations. I decided that since I just left a person who didn’t understand the whole on-person-at-a-time thing, I was done. We stayed friends. He helped me with stuff I couldn’t do, and I helped him. Mainly, explaining little girls. No sex. I don’t do cheaters, even if it is just omission rather than straight-out lies.

Ok, so no sex isn’t quite true. Or not at all true. We had sex. And it was good. But this was before I found out about him being a cheater.

I had thought that my ex well relatively large.

Apparently, I was wrong, because, Oh. My. God!

It may not be the ‘size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean’, when it is both… Both long and thick. And rough when he got going. I could feel his cock hitting my cervix. Pain, and pleasure.

The kids would play outside (the yard was fenced and locked, no one could get to them) he’d have my shorts down, bet over the bed and using his tongue, until I came once then thrust deep, over and over until, we both came.

I never thought I would be able to do that when the kids were home or that I could hear them, but it turns out I could. Quick, yes. Hard, definitely yes! Good….

If only he weren’t a cheater.

We did talk about the other girl. He made no excuses. Said he wasn’t ready to be pinned down. I got that, but I was still not happy that he hadn’t told me the truth. A lie of omission is still a lie.

But we did stay friends. He would come and help me if I had a problem. When the tub wouldn’t drain, he fixed it. Mower refused to start, he fixed it. He didn’t expect anything.

I gave him my piano when we moved. Figured that it was better there than in storage somewhere. Plus, I had started to give his daughter piano lessons.

And this way my ex couldn’t lay claim to it.

Then I met Rudy.

He was a sweet guy. One kid, younger than my son. We went out a few times. I spent the night at his house once. His kid was there. Apparently his ex ‘forgot’ it was her turn to have him.

Whatever. I understand ex’s.

We had some wine after the kid went to be and watched a movie. One thing led to another, and I called Sis and told her I was staying. To be fair, we split a bottle of wine and I lived 30 minutes away. I am a firm believer in not drinking and driving. There really is no excuse.

I got hit by a drunk driver when I was 20. That is also a story for another time.

Anyway, I spent the night. Around two-ish, his son came in, and the mom instinct kicked in. He had a bad dream and wet the bed. Okay, no big deal. I comforted him, changed him and his bedding, and he went back to sleep in the bed we were sleeping in. Rudy didn’t wake up until he crawled in bed with us.

I get it. I have had two kids at this point. I was the primary caregiver the entire time. Very well developed ‘mom’ instincts. Kids need something, I took care of it, trying not to wake up the husband. It becomes… habit?

But I was uncomfortable. I left a couple of hours later. I saw Rudy a could of times after that, but never at either of our houses. Just dinner and a movie.

I don’t think I was really looking for anything, and I didn’t want to take on anyone else’s kid. Especially one with a needy and unstable mom.

Yeah, I get it. Double standard. Whatever.

Let’s be real. I basically raised my husband for 14 years. When we got married he moved out of his moms house and into ‘ours’. He had no concept of how to live on his own. I did. I had been doing it for two years at that point. I married the only boy/baby of the family. He never had to do anything for himself. I suppose that it was partially my fault for not making him do more around the house.

But, a lot of the time it was easier, got done faster, and was done right if I just did it myself.

I guess I made it easier for him to remain a child.

Sigh. I married Peter Pan.

Not really related to this story, but, when he had returned home for that brief month, we had redone the floor in the kids bathroom. I asked him why. He told me that she ‘needed’ him. I didn’t.

I just remember looking at him and asking him what the fuck he was talking about. I needed him. The kids needed him. How could she need him more?

Simple. I could handle everything myself. Get the kids to the doctor. Make sure the bills were paid on time, etc.

That made me mad.

I asked him, if he was serious. He was.

I reminded him that if I hadn’t learned to do all of that on my own, we would have been screwed. Someone had to be the grownup in our marriage and he didn’t want to be that person.

He just looked at me again and said, “she needs me. You don’t”.

I did need him, but I could survive without him. Acting like an irresponsible adult, leaving me to figure everything out, I had to. And whatever he was not responsible for, the Army was. As any military family will tell you, sufficiency is a must to survive deployment, training, or anything else that took them away. It really wasn’t that I didn’t need him, I couldn’t afford to depend on him.

Someone had to be the responsible adult in the relationship.

Someone had to take care of the kids when he was working or fucking off.

That someone was me.

Seriously, I should had never let him back in the house when we on Ft. Lewis.

But I did. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way. This was one of those.

Turned out that husband number two was another.

But back to Rudy. He was sweet, but at that point I had already decided I was taking the kids and moving back to Oregon.

So, stupid me, started talking to guys on the dating sites that were in Oregon.

And that is where I made another MAJOR mistake.