Shhh…. I have a secret

Now, I take no credit for the following, but I think it states, in words, what a lot of people feel, but don’t necessarily know how to put into words.

“I don’t think that any of us planned for the things we’ve had to go through. Maybe that’s the whole point of living in the end- you start of with a plan but then you have to make your way across the water without a paddle, whether you like it or not.”

Written by Kai Lesy.

I think that there is a lot of truth in that statement. Lord knows I never planned to be lied to, cheated on, abused, or subject my children to truly horrible things. But, things happened and I delt with them the best that I knew (and know) how.

I think that most people grow up with some type of plan for their lives. Personally, I had intended to be a high school band teacher. Well, actually that was a secondary dream. I really wanted to perform. Like thousands of others, I wanted Broadway. I wanted to star in musicals.

But instead my life turned out as:

Taking a year off of school to get married. I didn’t, but that was the plan.

Go to school, and concentrate on getting a music teaching degree. I didn’t but I did get married.

Raising my kids with my spouse by my side, encouraging them to follow a path into music. That didn’t happen. Spouse had no idea what monogamy was- I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s a type of wood.

Divorce and find a new man that would help me raise the kids, and support my desire to return to college and finish a teaching degree.- yeah, that didn’t work out at all like I thought it would.

Divorce him. That actually did work out well, or at least I managed to accomplish that. I even finished my BA in Psychology/Sociology.

Married again. Plan here is to stay married. So far so good!

I also got a Master’s degree in Social Work. Why not psychology? Simple. I had an instructor during my BA that made statistics a complete and total nightmare. I didn’t want to have to deal with statistics. I thought it was a class or two of strictly statistics, and I didn’t want to do it. So, I figured social work was close, and didn’t have the statistical component.

Unbelievable incorrect. Almost two complete years of statistics. The first year it was mainly in the background.

The second year was full out as we worked on original papers, which, of course, required statistical analysis.

As I found out, much less than the Psychology degree needed.

Now I am working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology. Which means a dissertation with a heavy component of, yep you guessed it, statistics. Pages and pages of statistical analysis.

I was told that it would be a two-three year degree path.

Yeah, I’m on year three and a half and I am just now submitting my prospectus on my dissertation, which, if I am lucky, I should finish by Dec. of 2025.

I also figured that at this point I would have at least a grandkid or two.

Also wrong. Not a single one, and none in sight.

So, all of my original plans went to hell in a handbasket. I can see a path I would like to follow, but it is across the water, and no matter how hard I paddle, it keeps getting further upstream.

And yet…. I like my life now.

I have a great husband that loves me and my children, all three (remember pregnant when second husband was arrested).

When we married, I gained two more bonus children (Wait until the story of our honeymoon where we take all of the kids with us on 5000 mile road trip- in a van!).

I now have two more kids- the significant others of two of mine.

I spend time with my two oldest friends- We’ve known each other forever; one I met before kindergarten, and we met the other in kindergarten. So we are at 5 decades and counting. 53-55 years. I really hope we will have at least a few decades more.

I know the approximate vicinity or where my kids are most of the time.

Yes, I am still a helicopter mom. You would be, too, if your kids were Autistic, Schizophrenic, Epileptic, severe anxiety disorder, depressed, dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, and, believe it or not, others.

It’s a mixed bag. Some of them share diagnoses (NONE of which I made). Others are sprinkled among them.

But all in all, they are mine. All five of them. Well, seven if you count the significant other of one and spouse of another.

Sure, my life is not what I thought it would be when I was a teen dreaming of someday. But, I have proven to be fairly resilient, bouncing back after each break in the road and continuing through each turn.

I know there will be others, but I’ll meet them when they happen.

But until then, I will just live my life.

Another one of my favorite quotes:

“Physically I am making it through the day. Mentally, I am matching wits with the Goblin King while running through a giant labyrinth, shouting ‘it’s not fair!’.

Paige Kellerman, author