Shhh…. I have a secret

Like I said, I had no idea what the hell was going on.

After my kids left, only two agents stuck around. The rest went where ever agents go when they aren’t pointing guns at people.

Ok, that’s not really fair. They were doing their jobs, and I do get that. Just at the time I was totally clueless as to what was going on. Scared and so very, very pregnant. Not the best combination in the world.

The two agents came into the house and asked about computers. I said that we only had two: one that was hooked up to the internet and that I used for school and one that wasn’t that the kids used.

They looked at the one that the kids used asked a few questions then moved one.

They went in and asked about the other one. The one in the office that I used for school.

Did ER have access to it?

Well, yeah. But he working on computers all day and didn’t usually do anything on it at night. I mainly used it for school.

But, he does have access and does use it?

Yes. He built it and is on it when I’m not for school.

Ok. We’re going to have to take it.

Wait. What? I need it for school! I already have papers that I am working on saved!

I’m afraid that it is going to come with us anyway.

Can I at least download my school work first?

Grudgingly they let me. Kept a very close eye on me as I downloaded my school folder. For all the good that is did. I did something wrong and it never reopened. I had to start everything over. Not that it was much a priority at that point.

That was a fun conversation with my professors. “Yeah, the FBI confiscated my computer, so I don’t have my homework…” Beats my dog ate my homework at least.

While I am doing this, they are rummaging around the office. Picking up and putting stuff down. Going through floppy discs (yeah, that long ago), Burned CD’s and prerecorded CD’s. Leafed through my VHS collection, questioned me about every one that had a written label.

Including the one simply labeled ‘Baby’. They took it down and started asking pointed questions about it.

I told them it was a video of my daughter when she was learning to walk and her first birthday etc. Probably at least 10 years old. Way before ER came into our lives.

After looking at each other and having a silent conversation, they put it back.

They asked if they could look through the rest of the house.

I just shrugged and said sure. For all I knew we had nothing that would be considered illegal. I mean, we didn’t even have any alcohol in the house. They looked at all of the meds, I explained what each one was and who it was for.

No issues there.

They finally decided they were done. They loaded up the computer and left.

The bits and pieces that they told me added up to them telling me that his ex-wife had accused him of molesting her daughter repeatedly. Giving her and her friends alcohol at a sleepover. Apparently, there was a video of the sleepover where the girls were saying things like, ‘he gave us alcohol to get us drunk.’ Etc. I am not really sure since I never saw it.

Then there was also an accusation that he had been molesting my daughter, too.

WHAT?

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

You mean you didn’t know?

Of course I didn’t know! Why would I allow that to happen?

Well, some women will do anything to keep their husband happy.

Bullshit. I would never do that to my kids. NEVER.

I don’t know what to tell you, but your daughter did confirm that he had been touching her. You will need to take her to (this place) and have her talk to the counselor and give a statement. Someone will call you to set up an appointment. Failure to show up or impede the process and we will have CPS pick up the kids.

I assured them that I would cooperate. At this point I was still sure that it was a misunderstanding.

But.

But he was so calm, and almost looked like he was expecting to get arrested.

A parting comment from one of the agents, “You married a monster and about to have a baby. You will be lucky if you get to keep any of your kids, including the one you’re carrying.”

Yeah. I needed that.

Six months pregnant. FBI at my door. Husband arrested on multiple cross county and state line sex abuse of a minor charges.

Threat of losing my kids.

I just sat down on the couch and…. just wondered what the hell was going on.

I don’t know how long I sat there before the phone rang.

It was ER calling from the county jail.

Of course, I took the call. I was desperate to find out what was going on.

He didn’t really say much except to ask if I remembered how to erase the computer’s hard drive.

I told him I didn’t know I was supposed to. As far as I knew, there was nothing illegal on the computer, so I already let the FBI take the whole computer.

There wasn’t anything on it, was there?

Silence.

Folks, a lie of omission is still a lie. And this seemed like a huge amount of omission.

He just sighed.

OK. There is a video tape in our bedroom, in the lower drawer. Get rid of it.

ER, what is going on? Is what they are saying true?

Don’t worry about it. They can’t prove anything. Call my dad please and let him know.

At that point, my heart sank knowing that at least part of what they had said was true.

The question was, what part and how much.

These questions were all answered, but it took me years to hear them and longer to grasp them.

Like I said, things can always get worse.