Shhh…. I have a secret

So nothing much going on.

Sarcasm: my family’s first and preferred language.

Managed to finish the semester with straight A’s. What can I say? School has always been easy for me.

Moved back in with my parents. Like I had a choice and to be honest, with two special needs kids and a baby due, I knew I needed the help.

Started attending court dates 300 miles from home. Also visiting in hopes that I would find out what the hell was going on.

Discovered that visiting in a federal prison is different than a county jail. A little more intense with a complete body scan before hitting the visiting area.

Unfortunately, there was little he could tell me. Or would tell me.

Apparently, visiting rooms have cameras and directional audio recording. So, I learned not much. He was still telling me that everything would be ok and nothing was true. After spending time talking to his lawyers, his pro bono federal defense attorneys, I learned a lot.

Not only were they charging him with trading underage porn across state lines, he was accused of molesting and rape of minors across county lines. Which, as I learned, could evolve into a new court cases for each county, with possibly different verdicts and sentences.

And, yes, my daughter was part of at least two county cases. Fortunately, there appeared to be no pictures of her. Of course they hadn’t found any of his ex’s daughters either. It may come down to cases of he said, she said.

Also, the prosecution were starting to look at me as an accomplice.

WHAT? I had no idea what was going on!

Then it was carefully explained that if that was the case, my parental rights would be striped from all of the kids. My older two would end up in the custody of their dad (who didn’t want them) and the baby, well probably foster care if one of my siblings didn’t come forward.

I fainted in their office.

These were my babies. I had done nothing wrong! I had no idea….

However, if I knew something and came forward, I might avoid jail time. I would possibly still lose the kids though.

I couldn’t come forward with information I didn’t have. I repeated I didn’t know or have any idea.

Well, the cases may still be thrown out.

Except for the pornography. That was pretty much a done deal.

They had found a file buried in the computer. It was packed with porn. Enough that he was going to federal jail for a long time.

With that embedded in my head, I drove to ER’s fathers house and stayed the night with him before driving home.

I told him what I could, leaving out what ER asked me to. Despite feeling like that was a mistake.

I had our baby early by three weeks. I think stress had a lot to do with it. That and at 9Lbs 14 oz I think he was done. Took him to see his dad once at the federal prison. He told me that things were going to start happening and that he would be going to the county jail instead of staying in the federal.

The next conversation with the lawyers, was interesting.

The state had decided to only charge in one county. They figured that enough had happened there that it wasn’t worth going to different counties to try more cases. They had also decided to drop most of the federal case. But is came at a cost.

The cost? ER stated he would plead guilty if they didn’t file any charges against me. He stated that I had no idea what was going on. He had learned to hide things with his previous wife, although she had sanctioned everything that had happened with her daughter.

I, however, was innocent of any wrong doing.

That was both a relief- I wasn’t going to lose my kids- and complete heart break because he did what they said he did.

They also decided to drop all charges concerning anything that happened to my daughter. So, I was back to wondering if anything had happened with her.

H was sentenced when my son was 6 months old. It was the last time ER ever saw him, and it was through bulletproof glass.

Probably just as well.

ER still swore that he never touched my daughter and that everything else was circumstantial, but he was willing to plead guilty so I could keep my kids.

So, know I have a quandary. What part of what has been said is true, and what part is fabrication? At this point, does any of it really matter?

I am at a complete loss.

Court cases only get dropped if the prosecution thinks they can’t win, right?

Not if they can roll everything into one case, and save the time and cost of several separate trials.

So he gets locked up for 150 months- roughly 12.5 years.

I visit him every couple of months. Each time he tells me more.

Each letter he tells me a little more.

He finally told me that when he got out, I was going to have to become ‘very creative’ in order to keep his interest, or he would look elsewhere.

After previous comments and reading between the lines, I knew what he meant and I knew I could never live like that, and the lie of omission was no more.

I was done.

Saw a lawyer and sent divorce papers the next week.

Last time I saw him or took a call.

He still wrote me letters, but I quit answering.

He signed the papers and that was it.

Until he got out when our son was 13.