Shhh…. I have a secret

Well, not actually a return to me- us. He was required to live in the county he was convicted in. Not the county he had been incarcerated in, which I thought was kind of weird, but then again he had spent years in three different prisons in the state.

Either way, he was 300 miles away from us. He wrote me a couple of letters when he got out. The first to let me know he was out and was going to live with his dad.

Not a problem.

Also that he was not allowed to be near anyone under the age of 18. That included our son. I was definitely fine with that.

He then suggested that he would be willing to give up parental rights in exchange for returning the child support I had received. All well and good- except I never received any. (then suddenly I did. It came from the state after he was released. I had no idea how or why, but it was owed to my son, and we kept it.)

Also he wanted his dad to still be allowed to see my son. I had no problem with that. His dad was not to blame for anything that had happened, and my son is his only biological grandchild.

ER told me that he had no attachment to our son. Felt nothing for him- he was just another kid.

You would think that this would not have bothered me. However, it did. It was confusing. I was fine with him giving up his rights so that my current husband- the only father my son had ever known- could legally adopt him, but I was offended that he felt nothing for his son!

I know! Confusing. I didn’t want him to have rights to him, but I also wanted him to acknowledge that he existed and mattered.

This might actually be a reflection of my first marriage, where my ex decided that he didn’t need our kids because he replaced them with his whores kids.

I mean, my kids are not disposable! And yet, two different men were treating them like they were.

So, we decided to leave it up to my son.

But, before we could, ER died. Apparently, he had developed a brain tumor while in prison. No one knew until he passed out at home after having several extreme headaches. They took him to the ER, and after a bunch of tests and scans, they told them. Not only did he have a tumor (or cancer, to be honest, I’m not sure there is a difference in the brain), but it was terminal. They recommended that he either stay in the hospital or find hospice for him soon. They figured he only had a few months left.

He chose neither option. After an overnight stay, he went home. Less than 24 hours later, he lost consciousness and was dead before the ambulance arrived.

It was a shock. I knew nothing about it until after he was buried. Just as well, I doubt I would have gone or taken my son to the funeral. I know that sounds harsh, but it is reality. The only reason I would have gone was for his dad. I adore his dad and after everything he had already gone through, it just felt like one more thing that was piled on.

ER’s dad, LR lost his wife to lung cancer after a long and vicious battle. I only had the opportunity to know her for about 9 months. I wish my son could have known her. But life deals the cards, and we take what we’re dealt.

Less than a year later, ER was arrested and sentenced to 150 months in prison. Mandatory with no hope of an early parole. It is a state thing. Sentencing is set by the state and the judges are required to follow the guidelines. Even if the federal charges had stuck, his sentence would have been concurrent and he still would have served the same amount of time. He would have served the federal sentence in a federal prison and then moved to a state one, but the length would have been the same. I believe that is why the prosecutors decided to drop the federal and save the trial money.

Six of one and half dozen of the other, really.

Now my son had a different decision to make.

We explained that now my husband could easily adopt him if that was what he wanted. Or he could keep his last name and things would just continue as they had been. My son chose to keep his last name. He loves my husband and considers him his dad in everyway.

But, he is the only son of an only son of an only son etc.

The last name may be common, but the limb on the family tree will end, or continue, with him.

Plus, he loves his grandfather and didn’t want to hurt him. My husband understood and supported his decision.

But now the name on our mailbox looks like it belongs to a law firm- Kid one and three with one last name (plus the daughter’s wife), me with my hyphenated name, my husband and kid two with their name, my daughter’s wife still get mail in her maiden name and the youngest with his last name. Kind of like (all made-up names) Akita, Boxer-Corgi, Corgi, Doberman, and Eurohound. I suppose with all of the names there, that could be why we get mail for other people so often. ‘Don’t know where it goes but it’s on this street? Eh, just throw it in their box, and let them deal with it.’ And we do—a lot.

I keep the youngest in contact with his grandfather, and we visit when we can. Family is still important. However, there is a problem with that. I know that’s no surprise, there seems to be with everything.

ER had a girlfriend when he got out of prison. How they met is something I don’t know. She is a nice enough person and I have no problem with her on that level. But, and this is a big one, she wants to be my son’s stepmother.

Nope. Not going to happen.

They were not married and she didn’t even meet my son until after ER died. The father that was willing to give him up permanently. And she had encouraged that.

She does not get to be in his life, especially as a stepmother. After visiting his grandfather and her being there twice, I shut that down. Thankfully LR has respected that decision and not told her when we plan to visit.

Maybe I was wrong to do that, but it is what it is, and I will not change my mind. However, my son is over 18 now, and if he chooses to do so, he could initiate a relationship with her. So far, he has not, and I doubt he will.

And that is the end of the saga. Well, sort of.

My son does not know why ER was in prison. I have never discussed it with him. I always just figured that when he was ready to know, he would ask. When he does, I will tell him in a way that hopefully will not prejudice him against his grandfather or his sister. Neither are to blame for what happened. And he loves them both.

But, life is strange, and I am not in control of how he perceives things. Honestly, for all I know, he has already asked his sister, and she told him. If that is the case, well, that’s between the two of them, and I won’t add to the explanation unless specifically asked.

This whole being a parent thing is hard. Even with your children are adults.