Shhh…. I have a secret

So, my doctor told me that the test came back ‘good’.

What does that mean exactly?

Well, despite the fact that I had 38% of my uterus showing signs of cancer (which I am told is better than 50%, which is where I roll my eyes and think really?) there was no sign that it was up into the lymph nodes, and it had not crossed into my blood. There were also no genetic markers, which means my risk for breast cancer isn’t any higher than for someone else my age. It appears they got it all. I will still need to be checked every 3 months for the next 2 years, but all is well?

Oh, and the mammograms must stay on schedule. Yay, another fun thing females do.

I am still faced with another 4 weeks of the heavy-duty healing, where I will still be tired, but should be getting better. After that, I can go back to working out, easing into it, of course.

All in all after about three-four months I should be back to being me.

Except I’m not ‘me’ anymore.

I won’t ever be ‘me’ again.

An essential part of ‘me’ is forever gone.

I have known since my youngest was born, almost 24 years ago, that I would have no more children. My OB told me when I was carrying him that my body just couldn’t do anymore. I was lucky to carry him.

He was my miracle baby. After two miscarriages in the 9 months before I became pregnant with him, I was told it probably wouldn’t happen again.

But, literally, immediately after I had healed from the DnC, I was pregnant with him. Did not even have another period.

I ran into my doctor on the way back from taking a pregnancy test at the hospital clinic, in the parking lot. She didn’t believe me. Told me to go to her clinic immediately and get tested there, and we would talk about the results after.

Pee on a stick. Blood test.

Yep. No doubt. I was pregnant.

She was stunned. I was stunned. We were all stunned.

She said it was too soon after my miscarriage.

Did I want to continue and take a chance this time it’d be viable?

Yes, please.

I knew I was setting myself up for failure. But how could I not allow this chance to happen?

I had one scare. At Christmas I started spotting. My doctor told me to take it easy for a few days. I did. Pregnancy keep progressing.

It was considered a high-risk pregnancy.

I developed gestational diabetes. Took shots.

The youngest son was three weeks early. Started heavy-duty contractions the night before I was scheduled for a c-section. Still had the c-section, and then immediately had my tubes tied.

Of course, my insurance had wanted me to wait until I was recovered from my c-section before going back in to tie my tubes… What a bunch of idiots.

All this it say, I knew I would never have another baby. But there was still the slight possibility of a reversal and another baby. Maybe even being a surrogate for my daughter.

Now, that door is forever closed.

That area is….. for lack of a better word, empty.

I feel it, too. Maybe it is the lack of possibility that is bothering me.

Maybe it is the feeling that what essentially made me female is gone.

Maybe it is the unknown as far a sex in the future goes. I understand that it can still happen, but…..?

Will it be different? Will it be different for him? For me?

I am not good with unknowns, and this is something that only time will be able to answer.

And I have at least 6 more weeks before an answer can even be attempted.

Sigh.