It’s been about a month and a half since our Minxi went to sleep for the final time. It has been really hard on my entire family. Especially our other pup who is just lost without her sister. We have been trying to take her out more and she is enjoying that.
But every time someone leaves the house, she becomes anxious. My hubby went to visit one of kids on the other side of the state. He was gone for almost a week. Anytime someone walked through the back door, she got excited. That is until the person walked through the pantry and turned out to not be her dad.
Thankfully, he came home safe. She is slowly learning that not everyone that leaves doesn’t come back.
Lots of love and lap time for her.
Me, on the other hand, I am depressed. I don’t want to do anything except just read and exist in a fantasy world, where no one dies, and there is always a happy ending.
Despite this, I finally managed to finish both chapters two and three of my dissertation! Completed and ready to move on to the actual study and the writing of the results. Whew. I really needed that.
Unfortunately, while that is a load off my mind, I am still depressed.
I am sleeping less than ever, which wasn’t much to begin with.
I have gained weight. May not be a big deal to some people, but I worked really hard to loose 130 lbs. But, it is really easy to just no care when depression hits.
I have been yelling at my family more than I usually do. I try very hard not to yell. My kids respond better to reason. Most of the time. But I just don’t have the resources to deal with them when I am met with attitude. When “I’ll do it in a bit” becomes “I forgot, I’ll do it tomorrow”.
Yeah, that doesn’t work for me.
I finally had a complete meltdown. Had a major argument with my husband, which ended in me crying and basically word vomiting everything that had been on my mind.
It started stupidly.
His driving makes me crazy. He drove when we went shopping. There are a few things that he does driving that I have asked him repeatedly not to do if I am in the car. He ignored and did every single one.
When we got home, I told him that he should park in the drive way so that the kids could get stuff out of the truck- which I won’t drive.
He pulled all the way into the carport instead.
Kid opened the back door to get to the groceries and I had to stop the door from swinging wide open. It opened onto one of the support beams, which would have put a crease in the door, if it was opened all of the way.
With a kid on each side opening the door.
That was just it. I told him not to do it to save his truck from getting damaged. He ignored me, and I just gave up. Went into the house and into my ‘office’. You know, what is otherwise known as my walk in closet.
He came looking for me because he couldn’t figure out what he did wrong.
Why are men so clueless?
That really started the fight. Everything came out.
Holding Minx while they injected her.
Crashing the truck last year, which is still giving me anxiety attacks.
My fucking dissertation, which is also giving me anxiety.
Absolutely no where to go when I just need time for myself.
I was just done with it all. And he got the brunt.
He didn’t realize what all I was trying to deal with. I swear they never do.
I was raised to take care of everyone else. Became even further ingrained when I married and had kids. (My first husband having Peter Pan Syndrome). Taking care of both my mom and my kids. Adding step kids to the mix. Dealing with all of the kids, anxiety, DID, Schizophrenia, depression, autism and AuDHD.
And I’m pretty sure my husband is on the spectrum, as well as having severe anxiety, major depressive disorder and getting harder of hearing each day.
I am exhausted. Drained. Empty inside.
I wish I still had my therapist.
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